Trauma’s Wild.

Traumatic experiences can be scary.

Well yes, obviously. That’s expected. Nothing traumatizing can ever be considered rainbows and butterflies. And the weird and unfair thing about trauma is that literally ANYTHING can rub you in every single wrong way and it can scar you for life.

I’ve never really spoken to anyone in depth about the recent traumatic experiences I’ve had within the past three weeks. And although I’ve spoken to a few, I’m still in this place where I feel as though I’m holding a lot of things in. I think that could possibly be because I am yet to understand what triggered these immensely terrifying panic attacks and why the intensity of these attacks have impacted on me so heavily.

Have you ever experienced fear of the unknown?

That’s what I’m experiencing. I’m scared that there’s some underlying issue that has resurfaced its ugly head and I’ll have no idea what it is or how to eradicate it like the little pesky vermin it is.


So now, I’m here. Riddled with fear. On my toes… Ready for any minor and/or major inconvenience to send me spiraling back into sleepless nights, spent crying my eyes out and wishing I were dead because the burden of my mental illness isn’t worth living through anymore, which usually followed me pinning cat-related pins on Pinterest or binge watching Bojack Horseman. Those two things calm me.

Trauma can come in any form. It can come shaped as abuse from a loved one. Having a near death experience. Being heartbroken in the worst of ways by someone you gave every aspect of your being to.

And sometimes a simple trigger can send us back into that dark abyss we’ve been spending years to climb out of.

Sigh. Trauma’s wild.


To The One Who’s Always There For Others…

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.

Within the past few weeks, I’ve been going through a lot of strange motions; most of them not even I myself could explain. And the burden of not being able to understand the shit you’re going through is a living nightmare.

However, despite these strange and cumbersome series of events, I’ve still tried my very best to be there for my close friends or for anyone in general, in their time of need. Because, honestly, I’ve always been that girl. I’ve always been that friend; the friend that puts you first regardless. It’s like this character trait that was embedded in my soul since the day of my conception perhaps and I’ve never been able to deviate from that, no matter how hard I’d try.

No matter how many times I’ve told myself “This month is all about me!” or “I’m putting myself first!”, within the first few days, I’d be in my friend’s DMs helping them with whatever issue they’re facing, providing all of my time and effort to assure them that they’re not alone and that with support, they’ll be able to overcome these issues.

I’m writing this post to tell you that I think I’ve driven myself to the point of complete and utter mental and physical exhaustion.

My life is a shit show right now; shit keeps piling up and I keep repressing all of it. For what reason? Because I haven’t been putting myself as a top priority.

My insomnia has been at an all-time BAD. I’ve had 2 panic attacks for the week already. I’ve lost all passion for blogging. I’ve been crying a lot. I’m just gradually deteriorating and I have no idea what to do.

I haven’t been taking care of myself and I’m paying for it now.

Even as I’m writing this post, I can’t help but cry because this is possibly the first time I’m actually getting all my feelings out. And even now, I’m still repressing.

And all of this has been going through my mind for weeks.

Now I can probably guess you’re wondering “Antoria, what’s even the point of this post?”

I’ll sum it up in 4 words: Take care of yourself.

You are your greatest investment. You have to make sure everything is right with you first and foremost. And of course it’s going to be weird hearing that from me as I literally just went into detail about how I’ve been doing everything but. I’m learning, cut me some slack.

I recently saw a tweet being circulated where someone’s friend suffered a stroke due to intense levels of stress and anxiety. Mental and physical health are so intertwined and we fail to see that. However, mental health is always deemed as less important until it’s too late.

Let’s take care of ourselves. Before we take care of others.

What Are You Feeding Yourself?

I always come on my blog to talk about my own personal thoughts and experiences and I always hope that someone, somewhere can relate and that every post that I write helps someone through their daily lives.


So with that being said, I want to ask you the simple question:

“What are you feeding yourself?”

One of my many guilty pleasures while going through a depressive episode is depression memes. As soon as I feel myself spiraling out of control, I’d hop over to Tumblr like the crackhead I am and legitimately type in ‘depression memes’ and get my fix. It became a necessity for me; my own little special way of coping. I mean, I literally dedicated an entire album on my phone for these memes. Unfortunately, not all methods of coping are healthy.

Apart from the memes, this “fix” also extended to the people I kept around me. We’d share even more depressing memes on Facebook, and talk about how our lives were so messed up and that dying wouldn’t be such a bad thing. It guess it was therapeutic in a sense because I found peace in knowing that there were other people around me who felt the same way and experienced the same things as me. But in the long term, how would that benefit me? How would that benefit us?

I was kicked back into reality when my best friend, during another one of my mental breakdowns, gave me a lecture that’s going to stick with me forever. Of course I can’t remember the exact words she sent in her message but the lesson I took away was this: I need to feed myself with positivity and I need to keep positive and healthy company around me. She spoke about her experiences and said that she was also guilty of the same thing once but then she realized that the lack of positivity was not, in any way, doing her good so she decided to fight for her happiness; to invite every bit of positivity in her life and ward off the negative mumbo-jumbo. And eventually she realized that her energy; her heart, her mind and spirit were the most important things that she could protect and negativity puts that in a lot of danger.

Protect your heart. Protect your mind. Protect your spirit.

Mental illness already has the splendid job of being the harbinger of negativity in every possible form but we have to make a conscious effort to combat that every single day; to invite and saturate ourselves in as much positivity as possible.


From the pages we follow on our social media profiles, to the conversations we keep, to the people we spend most of our time with… These are all things that we’re feeding ourselves and we need to be extremely careful when it comes to the things we invite in our lives.

Take stock of the things that you’re feeding yourself. Your friends, your family (yes, you can love your family members from afar), the music you listen to, the material you read, the things you watch… All of these simple everyday elements and activities that we pay very little attention to.

Enter each day with mindfulness, and if anything poses even a small threat to your overall well-being, get rid of it.

Your brain, the cute little nugget up there, will thank you later. ❤

Sunday Talk: The Power of Affirmations

I haven’t done a Sunday Talk segment post on my blog in a while and I decided to resume it for the new month of September. Here’s to a month that’s centered on growth, wake up calls, new opportunities, and accomplished goals. I hope you enjoy and I hope we can keep this rolling without interruptions.

I recently downloaded this app from the Play Store called My Affirmations. It’s only been about 4 days and although I haven’t toggled with all the features of the app, I must say my experience thus far has been fantastic.

I wasn’t always a believer in the power of positive affirmations and even when I started believing, I had my fair share of doubts. I just never quite got how words, being repeated ever so often, could cause such a significant shift in your mindset and overall view on situations. But after approaching the app with an open mind and heart, I realized that the tongue has so much power and we don’t understand it.

Some of the affirmations I’ve received thus far are: “I am living a healthy lifestyle.” “I have an unshakable belief in myself.” and so much more.

Saying these quotes aloud 5 times slowly and mindfully, I was able to go through my day with a strong sense of hope and faith and I feel so much lighter and confident.

I haven’t had an anxiety attack in a week (I wrote this prior to my anxiety attack that happened yesterday but still, acknowledge the small achievements) and I’m very proud of myself. Each day that passed, I put a lot of trust in God and these affirmations to carry me through and they did.

If you don’t believe in God, you can just try the affirmations. They’ll work, especially if you suffer from low self-confidence, anxiety, depression and/or any sort of physical ailment.

‘Life and death is in the power of the tongue.’

Your words have power. Use them wisely. Use them to build yourself up and not to tear yourself down.

Once again, the name of the app is called My Affirmations. The logo is a purple lotus flower. I’m not affiliated with the company; I’m just passing on something that’s working for me, to you. Have a great week anyone.